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LJ Idol - Topic 2 - Deconstruction

I have had a really shitty month.

Emotions suck, don't they? I mean, really. Even when all your logic is like, "Hey, this is no big thing, you've gotten over worse, things will be okay and you won't feel this way forever," your heart is in the background crying like a little bitch and wailing, "Oh YEAH? How do YOU know? You have no idea how I FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL."

I've spent the past thirty days trying to break down some of these emotions into their most basic attributes, in an effort to get past them. I've tried blocking him out of my life completely. He wouldn't let that happen. I've tried embracing the pain and running with it. Believe it or not, that still hurt. I've tried talking it out, with mutual friends, non-mutual friends, family, my journal, with the boy himself.

Oh yeah, did I mention this is about a boy? It always is, isn't it?

A boy who I knew from the start wasn't my match. A boy who would only touch me on his terms, me, a creature who craves touch, who feels like a lack of touch means a lack of love. Again with those stupid emotions. You can tell me ten thousand times a day that you love me, but if you refuse to let me stroke your chest at night, I won't believe a word of it. And I'll roll over, staring at the wall, feeling absolutely rejected.

Eight months of this. Eight months of talking myself through it, trying to restructure my thinking to make it work. Eight months of demanding myself to be a different person, to reorganize, to deconstruct and start over from scratch, to somehow become the emotionless robot he needed in order to feel comfortable. In the hopes that...well, believe it or not, it was all in the hopes that doing this would make me attractive enough for him to just. Fucking. TOUCH. Me.

Let me say this. When I say "touch", I don't mean "fuck". We did plenty of that. His style was rough, quick, fast and furious, verbal ("Yeah, baby, you like that? Tell me you like that."), a style that isn't mine at all, but one I came to love. I realize now that I loved it because it was all I had. But it's not me. My style is tender, gentle, caresses, hours upon hours of exploration, stroking, nuzzling, feeling, no words necessary. You'll know if I like it by the way I touch you back.

I've spent these agonizing weeks resenting him for having someone new to immediately jump into, to fuck roughly, while I lay about languishing from a lack of touch dovetailing painfully into a lack of anything at all.

Enter one incredibly good and understanding friend, stage right.

A friend who needs and responds to touch with the same intensity I do. A friend who graciously let me spend one night in his bed, who unraveled those eight months of reprogramming and carefully sewed the seams back into place, one by one, hour after hour, until my heart felt whole again and my body felt redefined. And he didn't even have to take off my pants.

I didn't need to get laid. I needed to get loved.

So now here I am, on the other side. After my night of reconstruction, the damn trees are stepping out of the way and I am finally able to see the forest a little bit clearer. I can see the path out. There are a few rocks along the way, but that's fine. I have a better understanding of what I am and what I have the capacity to deal with. More than that, I have a better understanding of what I don't have the capacity to deal with.

I wasn't the problem, after all. There wasn't really a problem to speak of. Just a mess of emotions trying to work themselves out. And now they've been given some direction, in the form of gentle fingers stroking their way out of the woods. Isn't it crazy what you can do with just two hands?

LJ Idol - Topic 1 - Winding Up

Oh, god, is it time to start writing entries already?

Um. It was a dark and stormy night.

Call me Ishmael.

Little did he know...

Okay, okay, geez. Seriously. Why do I do this to myself? And with NaNoWriMo going on at the same time...

Should I write some deep, insightful entry into the inner workings of the human psyche? Should I write crack fic? I'm better at crack fic.

Larry barreled down the dark corridor, only dimly aware that he was being chased by his late uncle wearing a giant panda costume. Larry didn't bother wondering how his dead uncle could even find a giant panda costume to wear, because he was a little more concerned by potential zombie infection.

...Nah, I can't write about zombies.

Should I write about something that happened to me recently? About a time I wound up a watch? I've never even owned a watch you had to wind up. Plus, that would be lame. So there was this one time I wound a watch...I mean, where do you go from there? Nowhere.

I bet someone will write about winding up a watch. I'm sure of it. Someone has to, now. And it will probably be meaningful and poignant and it will relate somehow to a universal truth we all embrace and I will read it and be moved to tears and I will wonder why the hell I can't actually write well when it comes to this competition. And then I will consider just giving up right now, ducking quietly out the door, it's only the first round, no one will notice, right?

Maybe I should write about watches.

Or there was this one time, on The Office (the British version), where Dawn and Tim were going to go "wind up" Gareth. Maybe I could write about that? Is "wind up" only a synonym for "bother" in Britain? I should check Wikipedia...

Okay, okay, okay, OKAY. Maybe I'll just slop something down and pretend that's my entry. And by pretend, I mean actually post it and link it and just hope no one notices I didn't have any clue what to write about. That sounds good.

Yes.

I'll do that.

LJ Idol Family Tree

Because I really need something else to keep me anti-social and glued to my computer during November.

So clauderainsrm posted in the Green Room this morning that LJ Idol started with only nine people, and has only been expanding through word of mouth, meaning every person competing is somehow connected to those original nine people. The full post is here.

This idea is totally fascinating to me. I love thinking about connections and how this begat that and so on and so forth. (Beget? Begot?) I also love making spreadsheets.

SO HERE'S THE DEAL. I'd like to attempt to create an LJ Idol Family Tree, linking everyone back to the original nine. You know how anthropologists or geneticists or economists or whoever they are can do that DNA test that links you back to one of however many original tribes?* It will be exactly like that. In every way.

HOW IT WILL WORK: Comment to this post with the name of the person who originally inspired you to sign up for LJ Idol. That's it. If you saw multiple people posting about it, try to remember who was the first one you saw. If you can't remember who that was, whose posts most intrigued you about the contest? Who badgered you the most, not letting you rest until you just couldn't take it anymore and signed up? Try really hard to narrow it down to one person.

You can also, as a bonus, mention what season you began playing. If you know of people who used to play but aren't playing anymore, yet might still be interested in this project, point them this way.

I'll gather up the information and organize it and be generally obsessive. It would be really great if someone could volunteer to come up with how to actually put all the information together in a visual format, because I'm not so sure how to do that myself.

THAT IS ALL. THANKS.



*I swear I know what I'm talking about, I heard it on the Colbert Report once, I just don't feel like looking up the details because I'm LAZY OKAY STOP JUDGING ME

LJ Idol - Topic 0 - INTRODUCTION

Hi, my name is Jess, you may know me better as kandigurl! Or you might not! That's okay, too!

So I don't want to ramble on excessively in this intro because I know there's going to be four gabillion other intros to read and I don't want to keep you.

I'm doing LJ Idol this year again against all reason. Last year I was pretty into it, trucking along nicely and obsessively keeping track of the runnings on an excel spreadsheet, when I ended up getting eliminated due to just not paying attention and missing the fact that I was in a runoff round. Which is actually a pretty common way that I miss out on opportunity, by just not paying attention. Which is actually pretty depressing, if you think about it.

So let's not think about it. Let's think about something else. Um...unicorns?

I...I like them?
I am busting out this languishing alternate journal of mine for use in the new season of therealljidol. This way I can compete without fear of my entire friends list wanting to kill me, filtering posts, all that jazz. I just hope I don't forget to switch journals when I actually post. HOORAY FOR IDEAS THAT ARE DOOMED BEFORE THEY EVEN BEGIN?? ...Probably.

I'm normally kandigurl, by the way.